How life imitates art.

I should offer a few definitions early to avoid any un-necessary law suits.


The art I refer to is fatty’s art.  It is legendary and while many people are stuck in the category of self-publishing dribblers, fatty has managed to trick a reputable organisation into publishing his dribble.  The life I refer to is my own.  And today’s subject is bike snobbery.


When I read what fatty had to say on the subject I understood the subject at a clinical, logical level.  But I am an all smiling, all trusting mummy’s boy.  I never consciously practiced bike snobbery, even in the days when I had the best equipment and was arguably the fastest man on the Saturday morning coffee ride.  And I never saw it happen.  Maybe I was too far up the road and all the nastiness was happening out of sight behind me.  But these days I ride a different road with different companions than 17 years ago, before “the ambulance ride” (pre-emptive parentheses – within a week the ambulance ride will be the headline, now back in your cage Elden).


SNOBBERY – Fatty wrote it, I saw it, I felt it. 


On Saturday morning, my wife packed miss 4 and mr 7 in the car for swimming lessons and I got my bike with mr 10 on mr 7’s machine.  It’s only 9 miles to the pool.  We got a bit rushed at leaving time so soft tyres, a squeaky chain and too low seat were the order of the day for my young apprentice.


We travelled some back roads through our estate, then a bike path alongside the motorway, all nice and flat but into a stiff headwind.  We reached suburbia and as we were going down a bike path alongside one of the local schools, two riders in matching knicks and jerseys, tanned, slim and ripped, passed going the other way.  They saw dad in baggy pants on a reasonable machine with his son on a squeaker.  But we were on the correct side of the path wearing helmets, so there were friendly and enthusiastic greetings flying all over the place. 


No snobbery there.


After swimming, my wife took all 3 children for an afternoon at nanny’s house.  I rode home alone to study (blog) and mow (blog).  As I was approaching the bottom of the only hill in the 9 miles (half a mile at 8 percent) home I saw some riders catching me.  I kept glancing back to put in a little surge and stay with them for a chat.  As they caught me I heard gears shift and as I surged they both got out of their seats and accelerated too.  I didn’t have a child with me to protect me this time. 


I was judged.  And I was found wanting. 


I have now received adequate motivation from those snobs to go beyond half a sit-up in the morning and half a sit-up at night.  There’s currently a hundred pounds of surplus that stopped me from chasing them down and setting them straight, but I now take fatty as my inspiration.  I shall go immediately to the tattoo parlour and have a black bar installed across my face so that all who see me shall know me as a disciple of the fat cyclist.  I shall fear naught but failure (and rain and leaves).



Here’s a P.S. for Afghanistantastic:  When you get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she’s dating a sissy.

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23 Responses to How life imitates art.

  1. Unknown says:

    Really enjoy reading your entries. I’m adding you to my ‘to read ‘ list. Thx. PS: Come pin my map! Thx.

  2. Unknown says:

    MIKE (the big is implied in the caps). Doesn’t that just hack you off? I can’t wait for the post when you have some punks reeling you in and you tear their legs off and then stop to hand them to them.

  3. Sue says:

    I was never super fast, but I used to be able to hang. Now, well, lets just say that if fatty is the suprisingly fast fat cyclist, I am the shockingly slow slim cyclist. I don’t have a road bike, so I ride one of my mt bikes on the road and I often get passed (by every middle-aged slightly chubby woman who’s out biking that day). The point of this is that I too have felt the sting (too often) of someone dropping you will out so much as a nice "outta my way, big ears."Botched

  4. Sue says:

    I just read your profile, and I think it is commendable how you combine hobbies. That is an excellent way to syngergize and really get the maximum out of both. Good job.PS I think I’m going through the exact opposite midlife crisis as you went through. I’m 35 married with 1 kid, living in a crappy rental. I’m finishing my PhD in Oncological Sciences (really just molecular biology) in a little over a year. I have decided that loving what you do is not as important (to me) as making a bunch of money, so I’m going to be going to be taking a job at a law firm as a patent agent, and then going to law school to do biotechnology intellectual property patent law. I just thought you should know. I hope this was suspenseful (apologies to dug).Botched!

  5. Unknown says:

    I’m anti-war but pro troops, and AFG is one of my fav troops. Hope she can get back to blogging before too long.The black bar tattoo comment threw me out of my chair… hahahahaha!Hugs to you and yours,MuMo

  6. Unknown says:

    Hey… I just saw your comment about the aliens and smoking on Nikared’s blog and I think you ought to include it here… it’s priceless and should be here in your body of work!

  7. AO says:

    MIKE-I’ll sell the comment back to you. Let me know what you think is a fair price and then double it.andy

  8. Unknown says:

    BM,Bike snobbery is how I got fast. At age 15, no car yet, I rode my bike everywhere. Like we all did back in the day. My buddy lived about 15 mile away, and I thought nothing of peddling to his place on the weekends. My folks had bought me a Jap bike from a local shop, tho me Dad was from the fervent Anti-Japanese generation, but the beautiful frame welding won him over. One day I was passed by the local team, then caught back up to them. They could’nt drop me. I got the bug. A visit to the LBS to inquire about joining up and learing the ins and outs was disheartening to say the least. Talk about snobs. " That’s not really a bike" , the owner said, with a snicker. This just fired me up to train hard and to beat their best while racing with a team of Jap bikes from a 150 miles away.Now, those same guys admire my vintage Miyatas and Sakeas.I still won’t ride with ’em.Your off to a good start.Boz

  9. agreenmouther says:

    No cheap shots at war-protesters. It takes alot of courage to do something so unpopular. This is of course coming from someone who grew up next to the largest US Naval Base. On a more positive note, snobby cyclists aren’t worth their time. They take away from the great sense of community that we all have out on the road.

  10. Unknown says:

    collegiatecookiemonster (ccm from now on), are you actually issuing an injunction against cheap shots against war protesters? like a restraining order?war protesters are funny anxiously awaiting my subpoena.

  11. Gina says:

    Hi, I’ve noticed your comments on Errorista’s blog and now I saw from MuMo’s blog that you have a site so I decided to check it out…I’m gonna go look around now…

  12. Fat Cyclist says:

    you mean i wrote about something, and that caused you to encounter it? well, in that case tomorrow i’ll write about big piles of money. just send me one of the piles. i think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

  13. BIg Mike In Oz says:

    Al – It’s too far to drive – go to and insert 26.7241S 153.0668E in the search bar, switch to satelite in the top right corner. Mine is the corner house with the grey roof. Zoom back and see how close we are to the beach and it was 77 fahrenheit at lunch time.Rocky – as long as you use 4 capitals somewhere I’m happy, and I will get those suckers eventually.Botched – a slap on the shoulder and a "she’ll be right mate" for you (colloquialism for don’t worry).nikared – that comment was a photocopy. I still have the original.Boz – you’re lucky I didn’t delete your comment without even reading it. 2 capital letters indeed. I am at least twice that BIGG.CCMonster – here, here on the snobs. I also believe we Anti-war protesters and they certainly have their place, but so does standing up for yourself. The alliance of the willing is just striking back at a school yard bully in need of a life-lesson.dug – how can you tell they look funny? I never got up close to any of them because they smell funny from living in their campers on the side of the road.Mannyed – everyone is welcome here. Just don’t publicise your political affiliations as I suspect the only thing saving me from a tar-and-feather party is the 6000 mile swim.fatty – you get 5% of whatever I win in lotto this week (there are 4 draws). Looks like I need another daughter. Then we can start negotiating dowries and cross pollinating our good looking (blame the wives) and intellectually superior (blame us) offspring.

  14. BIg Mike In Oz says:

    MuMo – I didn’t forget you. I promise. I’m also anti-hardly anything. In fact, I suspect I sit on as much fence as can possibly be fitted between my cheeks on most subjects. But some issues just drag extremists out of the woodwork and anyone who forgoes personal hygiene in favour of protesting to stop someone (troops) from stopping someone (terrorists) from killing thousands of innocent civilians deserves some grief.

  15. Unknown says:

    BIGGGG MikeSorry about the BM. Wasn’t thinking about the meaning. Won’t happen again.Boz

  16. Marge says:

    Funny, funny entry, Mike! Thanks for the smile this afternoon…
    I found you via Pilgrim’s Showcase.
    Peace and Love.

  17. Denise says:

    that was quite funny

  18. Kathryn says:

    visiting from Pilgrim’s – , and laughing

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