I think the holiday season has fried my brain. I can’t string together more than about 6 sentences on any one topic. But I refuse to believe that I have random thoughts. These are highly refined and carefully structured meanderings. So I’ll just fly off in a bunch of different directions and let’s see if you can keep up.
I wouldn’t make a good movie critic.
I’m too nice. I don’t go to movies and think during a scene, that was wrong and that was wrong and that Roman foot soldier had Nikes and wrist watch. I sit back and think things like "I can see what they were trying to do there. That’s a great idea." Then as I leave the theatre should-have becomes was, and it morphs into a good movie in my mind.
I have only seen about 10 bad movies in my life. According to me. According to those around me it’s over a hundred.
It has to be truly horrific like Wallace and Gromit – Curse of the Were-Rabbit for me to remember it as a bad film.
I welcome feedback on errors I’ve made.
BUT! And it’s a big one (no jokes here please, it’s just too obvious). I may react one of two ways to your critique.
1. Fix the mistake and delete your comment so it appears that I’m not as stupid as you have just proven me to be.
2. I may play the "that mistake was intentional" card. In which case I will rip you a new one using the most profoundly soul destroying combination of sarcasm and innuendo available in my arsenal.
You won’t know which way I’m going to go because I can hardly tell myself most of the time. But you will know when it happens because your comment will either evaporate or burst into flames.
I only have one wisdom tooth.
Imagine how smart I would be with a full complement of four. Alternately, imagine how much bigger I would be if I increased my chewing power by a full 10%.
Why was I put on this earth? And in this time and place?
I still don’t know why I’m here. But I’m not about to upset people while I work it out. If you aren’t smiling when I meet you, you have to smile before I leave, or I have failed. That’s my contribution to the great karmic balance sheet.
How deep is your love?
My wife was model material when we met. I wooed her with food and gifts and food and concerts and food and movies and food and walks on the beach and food. We have put on a combined 75 kilograms (165 pounds) in the 15 years we have been together (I own exactly 50 kg [110lb] of that) and it’s all my fault. She still doesn’t get it, but I see her as the person I met, not the person she sees in the mirror each morning. Love and beer goggles have a similar effect, but love lasts longer. I’m pretty sure this will be forever. Unless she turns into an axe murderer; but I may also be one of those husbands so dedicated to his spouse that I just keep my mouth shut and help bury the bodies. Let’s hope I don’t have to find out.