I’m Feeling A Bit Random – chapter 2

I think the holiday season has fried my brain.  I can’t string together more than about 6 sentences on any one topic.  But I refuse to believe that I have random thoughts.  These are highly refined and carefully structured meanderings.  So I’ll just fly off in a bunch of different directions and let’s see if you can keep up.



I wouldn’t make a good movie critic.


I’m too nice.  I don’t go to movies and think during a scene, that was wrong and that was wrong and that Roman foot soldier had Nikes and wrist watch.  I sit back and think things like "I can see what they were trying to do there.  That’s a great idea."  Then as I leave the theatre should-have becomes was, and it morphs into a good movie in my mind.


I have only seen about 10 bad movies in my life.  According to me.  According to those around me it’s over a hundred. 


It has to be truly horrific like Wallace and Gromit – Curse of the Were-Rabbit for me to remember it as a bad film.


I welcome feedback on errors I’ve made. 


BUT!  And it’s a big one (no jokes here please, it’s just too obvious).  I may react one of two ways to your critique. 


1. Fix the mistake and delete your comment so it appears that I’m not as stupid as you have just proven me to be.


2. I may play the "that mistake was intentional" card.  In which case I will rip you a new one using the most profoundly soul destroying combination of sarcasm and innuendo available in my arsenal.


You won’t know which way I’m going to go because I can hardly tell myself most of the time.  But you will know when it happens because your comment will either evaporate or burst into flames.



I only have one wisdom tooth.


Imagine how smart I would be with a full complement of four.  Alternately, imagine how much bigger I would be if I increased my chewing power by a full 10%.



Why was I put on this earth?  And in this time and place?


I still don’t know why I’m here.  But I’m not about to upset people while I work it out.  If you aren’t smiling when I meet you, you have to smile before I leave, or I have failed.  That’s my contribution to the great karmic balance sheet.



How deep is your love?


My wife was model material when we met.  I wooed her with food and gifts and food and concerts and food and movies and food and walks on the beach and food.  We have put on a combined 75 kilograms (165 pounds) in the 15 years we have been together (I own exactly 50 kg [110lb] of that) and it’s all my fault.  She still doesn’t get it, but I see her as the person I met, not the person she sees in the mirror each morning.  Love and beer goggles have a similar effect, but love lasts longer.  I’m pretty sure this will be forever.  Unless she turns into an axe murderer; but I may also be one of those husbands so dedicated to his spouse that I just keep my mouth shut and help bury the bodies.  Let’s hope I don’t have to find out.

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38 Responses to I’m Feeling A Bit Random – chapter 2

  1. Tom Stormcrowe says:

    Mike, the definition of a true friend(and a spouse Definately falls under this category) is someone who not only would back you up in a life or death situation, but would also help you get rid of the bodies…….whether they were a participant in the event or not!::GRIN:: I have a similar feeling about MrsStormcrowe, by the way! I do have to disagree, though about the beer goggle similarity, as I feel you have greatly understated the case here, although it may well be that you simply are a minimalist when it comes to blanket statements::GRIN::! Actually, it’s good to see another guy that dedicated to the family!

  2. Unknown says:

    I wouldn’t be a good movie critic either because I think most movies stink. My impression of the bad ones gets worse over time, until the experience resembles, to my mind, a root canal without novocaine. On the other hand, on the rare occasion when I actually like a movie, I really really like it, and basically pee on the floor and roll over for it. If you are ever hosting me, do not slip Unforgiven, Enter the Dragon, or Shaun of the Dead into the DVD player. And never, never ever put in Field of Dreams unless we’re on the linoleum in the kitchen.I’m okay with criticism, if you are okay with an insanely defensive reaction, violence, denial, or worst case, being completely ignored.I have no wisdom teeth. I do, however, have a wiseass. Imagine how bad it would be if I had more of it. Why was I put on Earth? I dunno. I always figured that the Earth was about to fly away, and God needed to put a 280 pound paperweight on top of it to keep it in place. That’s why I’m afraid to lose any more weight. No telling what might happen to the rest of you. Now, because I love you so much, shut up and please pass the donuts. How deep is my love? Um, she’s gotten pretty deep since we got married 10+ years ago. She noticed I was losing a lot of weight this fall, so I got her an entry level sport road bike, a nice K2 T-9. She is losing some weight now and we’re both pretty happy with our situation in this respect. So I guess my love isn’t as deep as she used to be. But then I’m somewhat shallower too. G’day.

  3. Kelly says:

    What a great random entry! I loved it. Movies, wisdom teeth, weight gain. It has the makings of a classic novel.So you delete comments that prove your stupidity? Not me. I keep them there for posterity. And to amuse the husband. He likes those a lot!Kellyp.s. It’s never too pretentious to ask for coffee, Mike! NEVER! 😉

  4. cosmogrl says:

    (grinning wickedly)… I might possibly be a mediocre film critic, critism is never welcomed because, after-all, I’m perfect–and therefore, always right (in my little world, anyway…..), no comment on the wisdom teeth, I know why I’m on earth (I think–hehehehe), and my love is DEEP. (Not that Frroggie isn’t completely gorgeous in everyway) I hope you had a wonderful Christmas!Wen

  5. Sue says:

    You’re way too smart to have random thoughts. You may, however, have a few stochastic ones once in a while.Botched

  6. kïrstin says:

    i really like random blogs like this. it feels like im actually listening to someone talk. :Dbut i cant believe you didnt like the wallace and gromit movie! i have always liked wallace and gromit. but then, i think brits are great, and i enjoy their off beat humor. and their funny teeth. s. lizard

  7. Unknown says:

    Nice comments for the wife. Not everyone is so lucky. Enjoyed your blog.

  8. Ariane says:

    On the topic of love=foodx2. I live with my Italian grandparents. No…more… gasp…food. …please… oh gawd…. left over stuffing expands in your stomach, it turns out…..make it stop…make……it…….stop…… ……..kill me……..

  9. Star says:

    Mike, I just hope that someday I will meet someone who will love me the way you love your wife. I am SO envious. :-DRe. Movies. I’m like you (except that I do like Wallace and Gromit, some more than others, The Wrong Trousers being the best!). If I come out of a movie feeling entertained, then the movie was great! I was fortunate to be able to go see King Kong with my sons yesterday. They are both computer graphic/animation wiz-es. And of course, they could see places where the "mapping" of the computer animations and the live actions wasn’t done as well as it could have been. I asked for examples and they told me. Yikes, I was so busy trying to stay in my seat from the adrenaline rush I was getting in watching the action, I would never have noticed! Thanks for your blog, I like the ramblings. I’ve also been having trouble putting a whole "story" together so haven’t added much lately. You’re good inpiration!Starstuff

  10. Kelly says:

    What you said about your wife was so sweet…but I’m now confused. My best friend went to Australia several years ago…she called me after a couple of days crying. She was depressed because EVERYONE was super-skinny and she felt very out of place at 140 pounds. I decided I would never go because I didn’t want to be there crying, surrounded by super-skinny Australians. I think I may visit after all…and tell her she was exaggerating. You guys sound normal! =)Kelly

  11. Kelly says:

    I collect gas masks…HA! No, I collect comedy and tragedy theater masks…or any kind of mask with a cute face on it. I need one from Australia…if you see any, let me know.Kelly

  12. »Ќαŧέ« says:

    I’m LMAO still at your thoughts on deep love. That is deep to be there burying the dead with the wife. Your site rocks! Have a great one! ~Kate

  13. Laura says:

    I want a husband who would bury my bodies!Laura 🙂

  14. michael says:

    Truly romantic, BigMike. Wooing my wife might have been easier if I was the honeydripper you are.By the way, I’m extremely critical of movies. I can give you a whole list (which I’ve been compiling all week) of things wrong with King Kong. Let me know if you’re interested.

  15. Tom Stormcrowe says:

    I’m already taken!::GRIN:: Sorry_ she_ drives_ a_jeep!

  16. BIg Mike In Oz says:

    Stormy – I’m shining the shovel ready for our 20th anniversary.Al – I just have a mental list of movies I won’t bother watching again.MochaMomma – I haven’t deleted a comment yet (except spammers) but the day will no doubt come.Wen – Zero wisdom teeth. I would never have guessed.Botched – Stochastic is a word I save for science papers. Structured meanderings are my forte.silverylizard – Talking plasticine, it’s very British.betweenboxers – sometimes she wonders.toad – it wasn’t classy food, mostly drive through.starstuff942 – I haven’t seen Kong. I can’t seem to get motivated enough to care. I don’t know what it is with me and monkey movies.Kelly – I think your friend went to the Gold Coast. They’re Hollywood pretentious down there. Australians are mostly just Americans without the funny accent and bad spelling. On boxing day we had friends over and the 6 adults in the room weighed in at over 1500 pounds (not each, thanks for asking). And none of us look out of place at the local shopping centre. I was born with a gorilla mask.msKaters, jeep girl – I don’t know if it’s dedication or fear.Caloi – I’ll wait until Kong is fifty cents a month on video. I just never got into movies where animals star, Disney aside.

  17. na says:

    I apologize for multiple trackbacks, I think I should have been using permalink.  The multiples are a msn phenomenon, well it my be my fault, there’s no proof either way… feel free to delete.
    I thought what you said about your wife was very nice, I hope she got to read it and realizes how beautiful you still see her.  It was very nice.

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