I won’t be smart for decades yet.


I may not be smart for another decade or two.


I was hoping to validate my intelligence with a chunk of paper from a reputable university in about 3 year’s time.  Unfortunately this will only prove that I can suck up to the teachers at my “big school” according to one of the opinion generators that I fathered.  And so it is that I find myself falling head first into the pit that is home to all the stupid parents.


I remember a time when I decided that my parents were idiots.  It was when I was about 14 or 15.  But things turned out OK.  As I got older they somehow seemed to get smarter.  And now that I’m 38 and my mum is 68 she seems to have almost caught up to me intellectually.


But kids are doing everything younger now than they did when I didn’t need to shave.  “M” rated movies are laughed at by 8 year olds.  Proper bras that function are needed by many 10 year olds.  Teenage attitude is arriving at primary school.


School has been back for 2 days and already Mr11 has pulled out the tried and tested “You don’t know what its like.”  Oh, but I do little man.  The first of what I am sure will be many indicators that my knowledge, experience and opinions will carry less and less credibility as the will power and social pressures mount on my fledgling teenager.  Hormones of a pre-teen mixed with the issues associated with a developmental problem.  What chance do we stand as parents when the consulting paediatricians use the terms ASD and Asperger’s interchangeably.  But the boy has a happy disposition and an 11 year foundation of love and trust in a stable home.


But there’s always left field.


Just as a little aside, and I do apologise for the delay, the pink princess had her arm out of plaster just before Christmas and there is nothing further to be done.  And now the real reason for changing children halfway through this outpouring:  The pink princess is about to turn 5.  She spent the night at mums and at the reunion/debriefing a story emerged.  Little Miss4 going on 40 is fully toilet trained.  That is not to say she goes to the toilet on the toilet, but rather that she has complete control over her bladder and bowel functions and uses them almost as effectively as North Korea uses the threat of nuclear weapons.


Upon arriving at mum’s yesterday afternoon, and after spending a suitable period of time making a mess of the house, Nan suggested that Miss4 should go to the toilet.


You haven’t done a poo today.


Big girls who go to pre-school do poos on the toilet.


Just hop on the toilet and try.


And here’s the bit that caused my mother to literally bite through her bottom lip.


Hands on hips:  Well, if you’re gunna hassle me, I’ll do it just to keep you happy.


This kid isn’t 5 yet.  But she’s feisty.  Her pre-school teachers commented on Monday that she was by far the most independent of the group this year.  Fantastic, a 4 year old with teenage attitude.


And the oil on the water.


Mr7 plays the calming influence.  He referees the fights.  He administers the time clock on the allocation of video game time.  He is often the only one that can find the remotes for the TV, DVD, stereo and video.  And he’s the one that climbs into bed on a windy, cloudy Sunday morning and snuggles with his mother.


He is the complete anti-middle-child.  And Mr independent.  With school going back this week, he phoned the young lady that teaches him piano to remind her that lessons should resume this Thursday and that 4:30pm will still be OK this term.  I was outside mowing the lawn at the time.  Dad, remember you have to be back from your ride early on Saturday for swimming lessons.  Dad, should I call to find out when chess club starts again for Mr11.  He’s better organised that the whole rest of the family combined.


All I can hope for.


The manure will hit the propeller, that’s inevitable.  But when it does we have an amazing safety net built around us.  We have a strong circle of friends.  The parents are all good parents, and good friends to each others kids.  The kids are all really tight, and even though the 3 families go to 3 different schools they all invite each other to sleep overs and parties.


So I will spend the next 20 years trying to slip snippets of knowledge under their guard and trying to remain cool enough that they can talk to me when the fertiliser hits the turbine.  I’m just wondering how to maintain maximum credibility and trust while still wielding the parental control stick.  What else should I get pierced?  What should my tattoo say?  What kind of hat should I wear to hide my balding head? 


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15 Responses to I won’t be smart for decades yet.

  1. Nadine says:

    OOO the teen years!!! Pure Hell!!! I am not going to sugar-coat it for you. I want you to know what is ahead. I will not recant the woes as it is not fair to you and your space and I would really like to move ahead and not look back. That is what my therapist says to do!!!

  2. cosmogrl says:

    Your daughter sounds about as strong-willed as my daughter is! Except my daughter is 6! Good luck brother—good luck! Wen 🙂

  3. Suzanne says:

    Oh, there is no hope for it at all. Your intelligence will decrease as they age until, you know ABSOLUTLY nothing by 16. However, In there early 20’s you will show a amazing glimmer of knowledge. By thier 30’s you will be the all knowing god that you where in when they where children.Funny how that works…..

  4. Courtney says:

    What *else* should you get pierced? That’s an interesting question.Children are so incredible. My goal isn’t for my son to always like me, or even not hate me, but for him to always feel like he can count on me in the crunch. Whether it be to talk to, or bail him out of jail, or whatever. I never felt like I could depend on my parents for ANYTHING, so I want him to know that I’ll always be there for him, regardless of external circumstances.Here’s an interesting idea – I think each parent in the blogging community should write a ‘goals essay’ on what they hope to achieve. It would be interesting to see what people want to teach their children.

  5. Tom Stormcrowe says:

    Good luck, Mike! Robert A Heinlein once said in an essay that as a child enters their teenage years, they should be sealed in a barrel and fed through the bunghole of aforesaid barrel. As they reach age of majority, you then decide on whether to release them from the barrel, or just drive in the bung! Kidding, of course, but a teenage boy or girl is just one of the trials you go through in life! Usually, the first one is the best behaved, one of natures little tricks to make you feel safe in having more than one! Can’t say what to tatoo, but I’d suggest a bumper sticker for your car though! "Driver carries no cash, wife and CHILDREN have it all!"

  6. Unknown says:

    My daugher is 3. I’ve already started a compendium of newspaper articles to show that the real world reflects what I am trying to teach her.Example headline: Teenager accidently kills self while nude-drunk-hang gliding without a hang glider.Botched

  7. Zed says:

    Gosh, I’m curious to see what kinds of personalities my children will have. I realize I’m in for a doozy of a life with kids, but I’m really excited about it.

  8. BIg Mike In Oz says:

    Velvettush – Please don’t sugar coat it. Valium coat it.Wen – There’s no luck involved.Suzanne – I get motion sickness when the pendulum swings.Courtney – I have an earring, but kids are putting holes in just about everything these days. I know the conflict will come, it’s the trust and support I’m trying to sell to them.Stormy – I have sketches of the tattoos, one’s a memorial of fallen friends, the other is a circle of influence. I’m just not sure where to put the kids and only time will tell whether I can fend off the urge to strangle them.Botched – We have a tradition here that generates fantastic "idiot teenager" headlines called schoolies week. It’s the 10 days after senior high school graduates when all the 17 year olds flock to the Gold and Sunshine Coast and party. Almost every year someone takes a balcony dive or drowns surfing at midnight with a blood alcohol level of over 0.2%.Caloi – you have absolutely no control over their personalities. We have 3 kids spread over 6 years and they are all so completely different that you would swear they were all raised on different continents.

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