Where have the cool, calm, rational Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell and Agent Ethan Hunt gone. Tom Cruise is in complete meltdown. Or a mid-life crisis. Or maybe even his second childhood. Whatever you call it, he has certainly regressed to a point where his antics are see-sawing between a religious zealot and a teenager run amuck (reminiscent of Joel Goodson in Risky Business).
Nicole Kidman must have seen it coming. She is a very smart lady and I’m sure that being as close as she was to Tom Cruise, she must have been the first to notice him coming unravelled. And since she is arguably more powerful than Tom, she wisely decided to distance herself from the inevitable meltdown. He’s been way too calm for way too long and something had to give. Mr Control, self and otherwise has imploded.
So there it was – the perfect Hollywood couple were 2 singles again. Then it was duelling dates as each attempted to one-up the other in their very aggressive game of replace you first. Nicole has since settled down media wise while Monsieur Cruise has from one foolish outburst to the next with monotonous consistency.
He found a little porcelain doll of a girlfriend to replace his Australian Angel. Poor Katie Holmes and her significant deficit of Hollywood relationship experience never stood a chance. Meanwhile, in an outburst more akin to Pauly Shore than a Hollywood powerbroker, the artist formally known as Mr Kidman was leaping around making such a goose of himself that his antics spawned a new dictionary entry – (couch-jumper).
One can only wonder whether these actions are caused by the overwhelming joy of finding another woman willing to take him in, or if it is a release of nearly 2 decades worth of being the most calm (to the point of being numb) celebrity on the planet. Or perhaps his excitement comes from the knowledge that by cleaving himself free of Nicole, and hooking up with an innocent child he would now make his quota of Scientology conversions and finally qualify for the annual L. Ron Hubbard barbeque.
The TomKat juggernaut has been quiet of late, what with the media focussing on Brangelina being pregnant with twins. Not to mention the ensuing long distance cat fight between Jennifer and Ms Jolie that probably exists only in the minds and publications of the journalists who write that drivel. But just when Tom seems to have calmed down from intergalactic bizarre to regular garden variety Hollywood bizarre up pops this little gem yesterday.
Tom wants to get married. Katie wants to get married. Katie’s dad isn’t too impressed. Then there were mutterings in the press several weeks ago about the possibility of the wedding being put off because of issues surrounding the pre-nup. He wants to get married but isn’t willing to share. Some relationship built on trust that is. What happened to the unconditional love that was displayed on Oprah’s couch.
Now all of a sudden he’s seen flying solo at a Kanye West concert and rocking down to Gold-digger, of all songs – with that famous chorus phrase “we want prenup, we want prenup”. And climbing up the walls and hanging from balconies just like the Mr Risky Business Joel Goodson that we haven’t seen since the mid-80s. And outside after the concert he was seen trying to convert the heathens. What a hypocritical zealot. He is a perfect example of why mind altering drugs ARE necessary.
Isaac Asimov and Frank Herbert were (and still are) brilliant, and quite possibly more than a little quirky. But L. Ron is one sci-fi author who has sniffed a little too much of his own product.
Speaking of which, L. Ron got a call from NASA last week. They wanted it on public record that NASA themselves, along with and every other space agency in the world, are doing the best they can to find life on another planet. Probably so they can send L. Ron and his buddies home. Personally, I’ll be sad to see John Travolta go, but if it means getting rid of Tom Cruise it would be worth considering.