It’s a fearsome place (plus Revolution update)

The revolution first

 

‘Twas another bumpy week with old habits lurking just below the surface waiting to pounce.  But the only failure for the week was myself failing to succumb to the temptations.  16 points and another meagre 0.3kg (0.7lb) loss.  But a loss is a loss and that brings the grand total since my declaration of the New Years Revolution to a healthy 8.1kg (17.8lb).  I set a goal to lose 1kg (2.2lb) each week for the first 6 months and after 8 weeks I’m still ahead of the game.  Plus the added bonus of surviving the last 2 weeks which felt like it represented the nasty dip after the euphoric start.

 

I rode my bike 19 days out of the first 28 and only 12 days out of the second 28.  But last week I wrestled back control of my timetable and body clock.  The best news is that with February nearly gone, I ran a quick check and my average speed for February is 1.99kph (1.23mph) faster than January.  That, along with the weight loss, is about as good a sign as I can imagine that everything are heading in the right direction.

 

And now…

 

It’s a fearsome place.

 

A while back someone from the USA commented (credit where it’s due, but I couldn’t find it when I went searching this afternoon) that they would love to come to Australia but were too afraid because of all the dangerous stuff that goes on here.  I recently discovered a short piece written by a someone renowned for his eerily truthful science fiction satire.  The following passage was written by Douglas Adams, the man who gave us the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series and also co-wrote many episodes of Dr Who.  The scariest thing about this article is that there is not a shred of fiction in the entire thing.  This is purely a risk assessment undertaken voluntarily by a person with naught to gain from being either nasty or nice.

 

I promise I tried, but I was unable to discover which of his published works carries this tome.

 

DOUGLAS ADAMS’ VIEW OF AUSTRALIA

 

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet.  It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea.  Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can’t spell either.

 

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.  Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.  Typically, it is unique in this.

 

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals.  They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.

 

It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.  However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.  But even the spiders won’t go near the sea.

 

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.  A stick is very useful for this task.

 

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous.  The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat.  It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides.  During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.

 

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible.  Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weight lifters.  At night, they often wander the roads.  Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed.  They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away.  Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes a symmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

 

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour.  If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse.  Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder.  The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance.  This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don’t talk about it much.

 

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail (it actually has a flat tail like a beaver-BM), webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all ‘typical’ Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

 

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.  First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north.  They ate all the available food, and lot of them died.  The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders.  They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.  Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.  More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge.  They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

 

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.  It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) – whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.  Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians.

 

The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.  They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.

 

Be warned.  There is also the matter of the beaches.  Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world.  Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.  However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

 

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot.  Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.

 

Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.  Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

 

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.  They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God’s Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth."  The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

 

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.  Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.  Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.  Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.  The only correct answer to "So, howdya’ like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!"

 

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served.  Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse.  It is a form of initiation rite.  You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.  Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.

 

Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australia, you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was.  Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

 

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

 

Typical Australian sayings:

* "G’Day!"

* "It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

* "She’ll be right."

* "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.

And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

 

Tips to Surviving Australia:

* Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.

* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

* Always carry a stick.

* Air-conditioning.

* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fist fight.

* Thick socks.

* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.

* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

 

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"

 

There you go. 

 

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22 Responses to It’s a fearsome place (plus Revolution update)

  1. uncadan8 says:

    Sounds lively enough. I think I’ll come over! Even though I am an American.
    I’ve got a question for you, Mike. Since you are a bigger guy on a bike (like me), what makes do you suggest for me to purchase? I am looking to spend about 1500 on a road bike that will have good speed and be appropriate for centuries and the like. What would be the best bet? Steel, aluminum, carbon, mixtures of all?
    Thanks, buddy.
    Dan

  2. Courtney says:

    I’ve always wanted to come to Australia.  It started after I read ‘The Thorn Birds’ by Colleen McCullough when I was in junior high.
     
    You might have an American visitor on your doorstep one of these days, Mike.

  3. Unknown says:

    I’ve always wanted to go to Australia as well.  Now I definitely will.
     
    I’m just surprised you didn’t mention the Sound of Music, Lederhosen, or the Alps.  To me, those are definitely the greatest attractions of Australia.  Not like that German place with the kangarootles. 

  4. Tom Stormcrowe says:

    There’s a maxim on purchasing any bike, Light, Strong, Budget, choose any two!::GRIN:: I’m also a big cyclist, and any of the frame compositions will hold you. Depends on the job you want it to do. If you want a relatively comfortable ride, I’d go with CroMoly Steel, if you want light, I’d go with carbon fiber or titanium, light and budget, aluminum. Repairability? Steel again. want to shave grams and get the lightest possible? Go carbon with Titanium bolts. I personally ride a steel frame and am quite happy, it’s not as much your ride as you that wins races, true? Sorry about blogging in your comments, Mike, but what can I say!

  5. cosmogrl says:

    Hmmm–is the wombat thing true?  Intriguing.  I have no idea what one is or what they look like.  Then again, I’m incredibly gullible and for the longest time in my childhood thought ‘snipes’ were real.  Go figure…..
     
    –Wen 🙂

  6. cosmogrl says:

    Oops…..sorry–one last thing….  I was sad to read the insinuation that Americans are not well liked.  Is this true?  One of my first ‘boyfriends’ was from Australia and he always said how nice it was and how people there would just love me.  Of course, when I broke it off with him, he ended up turning into one of those scary stalker types.  Maybe he was just trying to trick me into going there with him and living with all the deadly spiders and sheep??? 
     
    –Wen 🙂

  7. Nanget says:

    It’s good to see the stick recognised. I don’t leave home without it. It can be used to defeat anything, wombat, crocodile, funnel web spider, taipan, shark and box jellyfish.
    The only thing that can beat stick is a bigger stick or maybe Chuck Norris. 

  8. Unknown says:

    Noname, it’s true.  The Australians hate us Americans with a fiercely burning passion usually reserved for Vegemite.  But being an exceedingly polite, gracious people, they embrace us Americans for all they are worth.  And they consume massive amounts of Vegemite too, which they hate but are too gracious to ever turn down.   In truth, the Vegemite consumption may just be a by-product of their staggering lager consumption, in the same way that Vegemite production is a staggering by-product of lager production.
     
    UncaDan – if you’re getting onto a road bike and you’re a generously built fella, in your price range, I’d recommend an aluminum or steel frame.  Giant and Fuji make stuff in your price range, you can probably get a nice enough bike – like the Fuji Finest or one of the Giant OCRs (1 or 2).  There are a lot of good bikes for under $1,000 U.S.  There is really good value in those two brands.  Jamis and Lemond make some okay stuff in this price range.  The Trek and Specialized stuff in this range is decent enough, not tremendous bang for the buck; the Canondales are overpriced.  You may want to go with a less expensive bike, and reserve a couple hundred bucks for upgrading the wheels, seat and other stuff you’d like to change.  If you find the wheels go out of true regularly, a hazard for big guys on a skinny bike, an upgrade to a 36 spoke Velocity Deep Vee or 36 spoke Mavic Open Pro rim will probably fix you up.  You probably want to ask for bikes with sport/road geometry, rather than pure race geometry.  The handlebars are a little higher, the fit a little more relaxed, important considerations if you are a "re-entry" rider who has been off the bike a while.  Most importantly though, hang out in local bike shops a bit, test ride three or four different brands in your price range, and ask the bike guys to critique their own bike, and the other brands.  Then check out Roadbike Review.com and find out what owners say about them. Bike fit & function is highly idiosyncratic, and what makes me happy may not please you.  Finally, at last, bikeforums has a big guys on bikes thread that may have some useful information, but a lot of advice from other riders will come down to steel or aluminum frame, Deep Vee or Open Pro rims on 36 spokes. I went through the exact same purchasing process you are going through last July, when I was 40 pounds heavier…

  9. Sue says:

    Al = blasphemer.
     
    Botched

  10. BIg Mike In Oz says:

    Dan – I think Tom and Al have covered it mostly.  My entire stable is a carry over from my racing days and is probably better suited to the "me then" (and hopefully, me 6 months from now).  The only thing I would add is if you want to buy a frame and components seperately it allows for a better quality frame now and then as the parts need replacing you don’t have to upgrade the most expensive component (frame).  But even that advice was given to me in the steel frame days when you had a choice of steel or steel, but tubing from 3 different brands and each brand having about 4 or 5 different grades of material.
     
    Courtney – don’t let the wombats scare you off.  You’re always welcome.
     
    Al – you’ve got Julie Andrews and Julie Anthony mixed up again.
     
    Tom – blog away, you saved my 3 paragraphs.
     
    Wen – Wombats can grow up to 4 feet long and weight up to 80 pounds so they are not to be triffled with.  They look a lot like a brown badger.  And they rarely kill anyone who doesn’t deserve it.
    We don’t like obnoxious Americans, but I’m given to believe that there are only about 295 million like that and by all accounts the rest are fairly reasonable folks that would be tolerated down here.
     
    Nanget – I carry a toothpick at all times.  It acts like a security blanket of the stick variety.
     
    Al – I never met a jar of Vegemite I didn’t want to eat, or an American.  And if you are uncultured enough to not like our beer, a goodly portion of the top half of the country produces sugarcane and we therefore also make some of the best rum on the planet.
     
    Botched – what did he say?

  11. uncadan8 says:

    Thanks, Tom and Al! I have been leaning toward the Fujis and Giants. They seem like a pretty good bang for the buck. I appreciate the input on the wheels and websites as well. I’ll be checking them out. I had a strong Mavic rim put on my current road bike because the old one kept going out of true. The new one has been great. I’ll keep you guys posted on what I get. I will also try to post a pic on my blog when I buy it. It should be about two or three weeks from now.

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  15. Unknown says:

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  16. Unknown says:

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  17. says:

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  18. bu says:

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  19. bu says:

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  20. pu says:

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