1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
4. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
6. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
7. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
10. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
11. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
12. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
13. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
14. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
15. Never lick a steak knife.
16. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
17. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
18. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
19. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
20. Your friends love you anyway.
21. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.